Stress-my biggest fear

Stress has always been a part of my life. I know I’m not the only that is affected by it. Lately I’ve noticed my stress level has sky rocketed and quite frankly it scares the living day lights out of me.

Yeah, yeah I know what your thinking “it’s just stress how can it be scary?” It’s scary because I see bits and pieces of my father in me. While most kids growing up dream of being like their parents, the idea turning into my father did and still straight out scares me to the core.

I didn’t exactly have the greatest childhood. My father wasn’t what you’d call a loving parent – Grandma and any of my family on my dad’s side that might follow my blog I’m sorry for what you are about to read but it is 100% true and may drastically go against the memories of the man you knew. ……………………………………………………………………………………………..

Now where was I? Ah yes that’s right.Like I said my father wasn’t a loving person.The first memory that I have of ever being scared of him was when I was in elementary school. I remember getting him getting mad at me for some reason or another and taking it out on one my toys. Literally ripping the head and limbs right off the body. I was both scared and heartbroken. The bear was a gift I believe from my grandma-dad’s mom -when I was a baby. I have to check with my mom to make sure because I could be wrong.

The bear looked basically like this one with perhaps a different color and type of fur it’s been so long I don’t really remember anymore exactly what it looked like.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo courtesoy of  http://www.bearsandbuds.com/KenYenke-Articles/KenYenkeIdentifiesTeddyBearsinBearsandBudsTeddyBearMagazine.asp

I’m sure you’ve probably figured it out by now, but for those of you who haven’t I was a victim of child abuse. The first time my father laid a hand on me I was in 6th or 7th grade. He got so angry and mad that he first punched a hole in the wall then grabbed me by the neck and pushed me into the same spot. To this day I still can’t handle turtlenecks or even having my husband rest his arm around the back of my neck and shoulder cause I start to panic from the instant memories it gives me.

The physical abuse happened two other times. The very last time after punching me in the stomach a few times he pushed me which caused me fall but unfortunately my sister was in the wrong place at the wrong time, when I fell I ended falling into her before we both fell into something. I don’t remember if it was the wall or headboard.

Each time something small and insignificant to most people set him off. The first time it was because I had one of those cheap plastic slinkys they sometimes give out during the parade on my backpack. My sister and I had identical backpacks that year “no idea who’s crazy idea that was”. I got tired of accidentally grabbing the wrong backpack on multiple occasions so I found a way to tell them apart. He didn’t think I needed the slinky and truly believed that our names on the bags was enough to tell them apart. When I refused to take the slinky of my bag he just exploded into a fit of rage.

It’s been over ten years since the last episode of physical abuse happened but the memories of those events have left what feels like a permanent emotional scaring inside. My whole life I’ve been scared of turning into him. Scared to have kids of my own due to the fear of someday doing to them what was done to me.

I’ve never felt that fear as much as I have the last few days. When I noticed that my stress level is causing me to act like my dad and nitpick at everything my husband says or does. Getting upset at the smallest things and starting arguments with the only man that has ever loved me enough to deal with my emotional and to actually make an effort to help me become a better version of myself.

I’m glad I haven’t taken my stress out on my son but taking it out on my husband isn’t any better. The last thing I want is to follow my dad’s footsteps and the fact that I’ve started to has been a huge wake-up call and a sign that I need to get back into counseling and get help dealing with my stress in a healthy way.

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Photo was found on Facebook-no idea who the original person to post this pic was. Highlighted words are the most important.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well there you have it, the reason my stress lever scares me so much

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Author: A Working Momistas Delight

Hi!! My name is Kim Pope. When I'm not working and/or tending to my family I enjoy reading,, listening to music and working on craft projects.

1 thought on “Stress-my biggest fear”

  1. Thanks for your post. Physical abuse is no fun and either is emotional abuse. I speak from experience. I do know that it is possible to get past it and to live a life free from the fear it causes. What has worked for me has been a series of things. The first thing was to forgive the abuser. This does not imply that it was okay for what they did but it free’s you to be able to move forward. We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Forgiveness can be a process. The first thing is to become willing to forgive even if the feelings do not match. Forgiveness is a choice not a feeling. If we are willing to do that we open the door for God to do what needs to be done in us to let go. Then looking at our part in things can help as well. This is something that takes rigorous honesty. I will give you an example. When I was stabbed 9 times by my x-husband and left for dead I did not do anything to deserve that however when I look back now almost 30 years later I did play a part. I jumped into this relationship with him and hardly knew him and married him. A bit compulsive to say the least. The second thing was the night it happened I was pissed off and was running my mouth because of somethings he had done. Rightfully so, he had ripped me off, but knowing at that point what I knew about him that was probably not a good choice. Does that justify what he did to me? Absolutely not! I did forgive this man and no I did not stay married to him and I have not seen him in years. But I became willing. God removed it from me and I do not even think about it today unless something comes up about it.

    One thing for sure in relationships we are continually challenged to forgive others and ourselves. Don’t be too hard on yourself. If you have been a nit pick ask for forgiveness and start over. Different things can play a part in our moodiness including hormones. I am older now and have passed menopause so I have calmed down quite a bit. But as I recall when I was in my 30’s my hormones were still very much raging, lol. I had bad PMS and at one point got on Paxil to help myself. Taking medication sometimes does really help. Im not saying that is the answer to everything but an option at times. I hope this helps. Keep up the posts!!

    Barbara

    Like

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