Stress has always been a part of my life. I know I’m not the only that is affected by it. Lately I’ve noticed my stress level has sky rocketed and quite frankly it scares the living day lights out of me.
Yeah, yeah I know what your thinking “it’s just stress how can it be scary?” It’s scary because I see bits and pieces of my father in me. While most kids growing up dream of being like their parents, the idea turning into my father did and still straight out scares me to the core.
I didn’t exactly have the greatest childhood. My father wasn’t what you’d call a loving parent – Grandma and any of my family on my dad’s side that might follow my blog I’m sorry for what you are about to read but it is 100% true and may drastically go against the memories of the man you knew. ……………………………………………………………………………………………..
Now where was I? Ah yes that’s right.Like I said my father wasn’t a loving person.The first memory that I have of ever being scared of him was when I was in elementary school. I remember getting him getting mad at me for some reason or another and taking it out on one my toys. Literally ripping the head and limbs right off the body. I was both scared and heartbroken. The bear was a gift I believe from my grandma-dad’s mom -when I was a baby. I have to check with my mom to make sure because I could be wrong.
The bear looked basically like this one with perhaps a different color and type of fur it’s been so long I don’t really remember anymore exactly what it looked like.
I’m sure you’ve probably figured it out by now, but for those of you who haven’t I was a victim of child abuse. The first time my father laid a hand on me I was in 6th or 7th grade. He got so angry and mad that he first punched a hole in the wall then grabbed me by the neck and pushed me into the same spot. To this day I still can’t handle turtlenecks or even having my husband rest his arm around the back of my neck and shoulder cause I start to panic from the instant memories it gives me.
The physical abuse happened two other times. The very last time after punching me in the stomach a few times he pushed me which caused me fall but unfortunately my sister was in the wrong place at the wrong time, when I fell I ended falling into her before we both fell into something. I don’t remember if it was the wall or headboard.
Each time something small and insignificant to most people set him off. The first time it was because I had one of those cheap plastic slinkys they sometimes give out during the parade on my backpack. My sister and I had identical backpacks that year “no idea who’s crazy idea that was”. I got tired of accidentally grabbing the wrong backpack on multiple occasions so I found a way to tell them apart. He didn’t think I needed the slinky and truly believed that our names on the bags was enough to tell them apart. When I refused to take the slinky of my bag he just exploded into a fit of rage.
It’s been over ten years since the last episode of physical abuse happened but the memories of those events have left what feels like a permanent emotional scaring inside. My whole life I’ve been scared of turning into him. Scared to have kids of my own due to the fear of someday doing to them what was done to me.
I’ve never felt that fear as much as I have the last few days. When I noticed that my stress level is causing me to act like my dad and nitpick at everything my husband says or does. Getting upset at the smallest things and starting arguments with the only man that has ever loved me enough to deal with my emotional and to actually make an effort to help me become a better version of myself.
I’m glad I haven’t taken my stress out on my son but taking it out on my husband isn’t any better. The last thing I want is to follow my dad’s footsteps and the fact that I’ve started to has been a huge wake-up call and a sign that I need to get back into counseling and get help dealing with my stress in a healthy way.
Photo was found on Facebook-no idea who the original person to post this pic was. Highlighted words are the most important.
Well there you have it, the reason my stress lever scares me so much