A Much Needed Pick Me Up!!

I am in a mothers only group. Recently there was a post by one of the admins about an anonymous member who wanted to do something nice for the other members in the group. All that had be done was to send an email with my name and street address.

I’m not going to lie I was skeptical and a little on the leery side but i figured what the heck I’ll do it. I forgot about it for a few days until some of the other mothers started posting that they got theirs yesterday. I checked the mail today and found mine waiting for me.

I have to admit it was perfect timing. I was having one of those days where I just wanted to curl up and cry. Of course having a 1 year old in the house I couldn’t exactly do that. 

This was just what I needed to help me push past my depression long enough to be there for my son. Instead of curling up on the couch like I wanted to I took the time to interact with my son, played with him, tickled him, took him outside to get fresh air and help him burn off some extra energy. Ended the day (for my son anyway) with cuddles, and a story.

If you need a smile or want to anonymously put a smile someone else’s face I highly recommend emailing this secret mama bear the name and address of whoever you want to give a smile too.

I case you can’t read the email address it is

Positively.Uplifting4You@Gmail.com 
Thank you secret  Mama Bear for brightening up my day.

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I took the day off so I could go to my sons doctors appointment. I’m glad I did. I got to spend quality time with my son that wasn’t interrupted by having to get ready for work.   

We had a fun filled day at the library. We went to story time, played with toys, had a play date with the babysitter and her kids. It was truly a nice change of pace. For the first time since I’ve gone back to work I actually feel relaxed. 

Yes I’ve had a lot of weekends off but we’re always so busy running around from place to place. We never really get a chance to just have mommy and Lukas time or even mommy, daddy and Lukas time.Look at that happy little boy!!
Fell asleep on my lap after eating his lunch. What a precious little boy.

He made a new friend today.

Hmmm, I’m pretty sure he’s not supposed to be tossing library books around.

Fun with alphabet magnets.
Hoping to have more days like this in the future. Going to start looking for a part time job. I truly do need more time with my son.

How am I?

Today at work I was asked if I was ok. I’m a normally quiet person to begin. I guess I’ve been quieter than normal for people who know me to notice be concerned enough to ask how I’m doing.

How am I doing? That’s a very good question. I’m physically tired and warm out  from taking care of my soon to be 10 month old son and working an 8 hour a day job. Mentally worn out pretty much for the same reasons with the added bonus of spending 8 hours a day wishing I was at home with my son instead of having to work. 

If I didn’t truly 100% need this job I would stay at home with my son and sell crochet projects for a little spending cash. 

I can’t afford not to work. At the same time I know something needs to change. I can’t keep working 8 hour days on only 5-7 hours of sleep. I know I need to find a part time job. One where I can work at home would be even better.  Unfortunately jobs are hard to come by. Even harder for people like me who are by nature shy and quiet and just not comfortable being around lots of people.

I can text, email, talk to people online even send letters in the mail filled with in depth content and tons to say but that’s because i can hide behind a screen or pen and paper. When it comes to connecting and conversing with people face to face or even over the phone I have trouble talking. 

Well enough babbling about my thoughts it’s time for bed I’m falling asleep at the phone.

Much needed smile.

My husband must have known I needed a good laugh. I got home from work a little bit ago and discovered my animal friends being silly.

Radford the reading reindeer and…….

George the sock wearing monkey. Socks don’t go on your hands George. 

My husbands calls them shenanigans. Me I just like the smile it brings me at the end of the night. Especially when it’s been a rough day. I don’t come home to these shenanagins all the time but when I do I sure do appreciate it. 

I love you Phil. Thank you.

Stress-my biggest fear

Stress has always been a part of my life. I know I’m not the only that is affected by it. Lately I’ve noticed my stress level has sky rocketed and quite frankly it scares the living day lights out of me.

Yeah, yeah I know what your thinking “it’s just stress how can it be scary?” It’s scary because I see bits and pieces of my father in me. While most kids growing up dream of being like their parents, the idea turning into my father did and still straight out scares me to the core.

I didn’t exactly have the greatest childhood. My father wasn’t what you’d call a loving parent – Grandma and any of my family on my dad’s side that might follow my blog I’m sorry for what you are about to read but it is 100% true and may drastically go against the memories of the man you knew. ……………………………………………………………………………………………..

Now where was I? Ah yes that’s right.Like I said my father wasn’t a loving person.The first memory that I have of ever being scared of him was when I was in elementary school. I remember getting him getting mad at me for some reason or another and taking it out on one my toys. Literally ripping the head and limbs right off the body. I was both scared and heartbroken. The bear was a gift I believe from my grandma-dad’s mom -when I was a baby. I have to check with my mom to make sure because I could be wrong.

The bear looked basically like this one with perhaps a different color and type of fur it’s been so long I don’t really remember anymore exactly what it looked like.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo courtesoy of  http://www.bearsandbuds.com/KenYenke-Articles/KenYenkeIdentifiesTeddyBearsinBearsandBudsTeddyBearMagazine.asp

I’m sure you’ve probably figured it out by now, but for those of you who haven’t I was a victim of child abuse. The first time my father laid a hand on me I was in 6th or 7th grade. He got so angry and mad that he first punched a hole in the wall then grabbed me by the neck and pushed me into the same spot. To this day I still can’t handle turtlenecks or even having my husband rest his arm around the back of my neck and shoulder cause I start to panic from the instant memories it gives me.

The physical abuse happened two other times. The very last time after punching me in the stomach a few times he pushed me which caused me fall but unfortunately my sister was in the wrong place at the wrong time, when I fell I ended falling into her before we both fell into something. I don’t remember if it was the wall or headboard.

Each time something small and insignificant to most people set him off. The first time it was because I had one of those cheap plastic slinkys they sometimes give out during the parade on my backpack. My sister and I had identical backpacks that year “no idea who’s crazy idea that was”. I got tired of accidentally grabbing the wrong backpack on multiple occasions so I found a way to tell them apart. He didn’t think I needed the slinky and truly believed that our names on the bags was enough to tell them apart. When I refused to take the slinky of my bag he just exploded into a fit of rage.

It’s been over ten years since the last episode of physical abuse happened but the memories of those events have left what feels like a permanent emotional scaring inside. My whole life I’ve been scared of turning into him. Scared to have kids of my own due to the fear of someday doing to them what was done to me.

I’ve never felt that fear as much as I have the last few days. When I noticed that my stress level is causing me to act like my dad and nitpick at everything my husband says or does. Getting upset at the smallest things and starting arguments with the only man that has ever loved me enough to deal with my emotional and to actually make an effort to help me become a better version of myself.

I’m glad I haven’t taken my stress out on my son but taking it out on my husband isn’t any better. The last thing I want is to follow my dad’s footsteps and the fact that I’ve started to has been a huge wake-up call and a sign that I need to get back into counseling and get help dealing with my stress in a healthy way.

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Photo was found on Facebook-no idea who the original person to post this pic was. Highlighted words are the most important.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well there you have it, the reason my stress lever scares me so much

Hospital a Blunder

Around 3/4:00 A this morning I read an ABC article talking about hospitals sending women home less than 24 hours after giving birth. In some cases in as little as four hours. I have to admit I’m absolutely baffled that hospitals actually do this.

Labor and birth is a very long and exhausting ordeal on its own. It is even worse when you add in the fact that some women also have complications. Thankfully I wasn’t one of those women.

Although I can’t help but think about my own labor and delivery with my two boys. My pregnancies were only 10 years apart yet so much changed in that time in regards to my hospital stay.

Hospital stay with Adam

  • Labor was induced. I went in around 7p April 2 gave birth April 3rd around 1p went home April 6th
  • With Adam the nurses actually took a newborn pic and I had the choice of going online and ordering copies of the picture”being unemployed at the time I wasn’t able to”.
  • Adam stayed in the nursery and they would bring him to me during the day to feed and change him, but would let me sleep at night.

Hospital stay with Lukas

  • Went into labor on my own. Mucus plug came out around 2am September 4. Labor pains started around 8a the same day and I gave birth 12 hours later.
  • With Lukas my husband and I had to take the pictures ourselves.
  • Except for when they took him to circumcise him, test his hearing and do whatever other tests they do for healthy babies Lukas was in the room with me the whole time.
  • The nurses forced me to wake him up every two hours to feed him
    • Left me with little to no sleep causing me to be extremely exhausted
    • Went completely against my sons natural wake/sleep pattern. From day one he’s been able to go 3-4 hours in between feedings. Which has been a blessing.

 

I know women that breastfeed usually have to feed their babies every two hours but both my boys were bottle fed. Granted all babies are different but for the most part bottle fed babies are capable of going longer in between feedings then breastfed babies. Adam was every two hours. Lukas was every 3-4 hours of course he was able to handle more formula with each feeding than his older brother was able to handle.

 

Link to the article I read!!

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-01-04/new-mothers-babies-being-sent-home-hours-after-birth-ama-says/8160578